FYI this post has been sitting in my drafts for over a year…
To hide my pain would make me less sane. This unbearable feeling is making me fair again. I must feel this pain for my feelings were not in vain.
Within a few weeks, I was seduced. I became overly attached to another human. I thought the connection was so strong that I ended up severing it to the point of failure. Towards the end of my climax of infatuation, I began to read Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom.
It was the right time to pick this book, because I was about to get rejected by a man and I needed a book that would not talk about romance in a manner that would depress me. This book literally moved me, and helped me change my inner dialogue and outlook for the best.
Rejection fell hand in hand with my new self discovery. Towards the end of the Biography, I fell more in love with the student and the professor. The Professor tells Mitch that there is no formula to relationships. I read, “They [relationships] have to be negotiated in loving ways, with room for both parties, what they want and what they need, what they can do and what their life is like.”
After reading this, I immediately knew why I had been rejected from the man I craved so deeply. Well, first off I accepted that I made the same mistake twice. I jumped to conclusions based off his actions at various times of our budding relationship. He was upset with this and clearly stated that he did not believe that he could move forward in dating me. Me jumping to conclusions was a big part of that decision. Secondly, he had asked for space due to his workload. Now, we would talk briefly–almost daily. I did not understand our negotiation. He told me he liked me and for the most part I could read his actions and conclude that he indeed was interested in me.
He lost feelings enough to call me for “closure.”
Well for instance, I read, “‘Learn to detach…You know what the Buddhists say? Don’t cling to things, because everything is impermanent.’ …But detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That’s how you are able to leave it.
…loneliness: you le go, let the tears flow, feel it completely–but eventually be able to say, ‘All right, that was my moment with loneliness, but I’m going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I’m going to experience them as well.”
I reflected on this for about a day or two. I told myself that loneliness is natural sometimes. Although, I can make sure it does not overpower me.